Whether in jokes, gore movies or music, feces is generally where I draw the line. And yet, feces is exactly what this entire album Incipit Satan sounds like. How anyone can sit in the studio and decide that crap like Incipit Satan is worth releasing is beyond me.

Let's be honest, Gorgoroth is not a black metal band nor have they ever been. Rather, Gorgoroth belongs to the realms of the rotting dog turds known as "satanic speed metal" : a musical genre that produces exclusively generic speed metal crap, calls it "true black metal" (because nothing says true like an album released by the posers at Nuclear Blast) and the media will fellate them for it.

Incipit Satan is what most of us would call fake metal garbage. It's like Gorgoroth knows they're poser sell-outs and decided to rub it in even more with this album.

This album is nothing but pure sell-out pop fluff. The songs are not made to express something, to create a dark atmosphere or even to entrance the listener... rather they are made to be commercial "hits" to be featured on the latest MTV catalog.

Incipit Satan is generic pop metal for kids who hate their parents paying their rent and who think rebellion is skipping out on church to listen to Gorgoroth's latest crap.

Dark Funeral. The name is practically an insult within the black metal community. This is a band that has been reviled and ridiculed, and with very good reason.

They are widely considered a sell-outs, posers, "wannabes". To most of us, a Dark Funeral record is more of a media product. Something made with the sole intention of making money, lacking any form of substance whatsoever and having no real connection to the true black metal genre, despite taking its name.

The music of Dark Funeral falls under the catch-all term "speed metal". Boring, uninspired, generic billboard metal that tries very hard to sound "evil"... but falls flat due to the lack of musical talent from the band members.

The Secrets of the Black Arts is no exception to the rule.

But of course, there will always be poser black metal "critics" to claim that The Secrets of the Black Arts, Dark Funeral's first album, was actually a true (lol) black metal (lol) masterpiece (double lol) and that the band only became shit after that.

What else can you expect from delusional fake black metal critics ?

The truth is that The Secrets of the Black Arts is just as bad, if not worse, than the rest of Dark Funeral's boring discography.

If there ever was a bigger shit album than Satyrlolicon's crappy and overrated Dark Medieval Times, I have never heard of it. And to be honest, I can't even begin to imagine how boring and lazy it would have to sound to surpass Dark Medieval Times in terms of crappiness.

Dark Medieval Times is probably the most overrated pile of commercial garbage that has ever plagued the once decent genre of black metal music.

Satyrlolicon is the same fake black metal band that would later produce the utter crap known as Nemesis Divina. And quite frankly, I don't know which is worse : Dark Medieval Times, Nemesis Divina or the rest of the band's poser discography.

If you like black metal, true black metal, then spare your senses and ignore this fake black metal debacle.

if you like a good laugh at the expense of a dying genre... then ignore this crap as well, because Dark Medieval Times is so bad it isn't even funny.

The Light by SEWER is the ultimate black metal album to own, there simply is no other.

The grim blackness on tracks such as The Book of Rocktis and Exult the Lord's Supper remains unsurpassed, whether in the black metal scene or anywhere else. The Light is also one of SEWER's most unorthodox work, showcasing a clear departure from the sound  heard on albums such as Satanic Requiem and Black Death.

The Light is definitely not SEWER's most well-known album, but it's one you MUST listen to if you are a true black metal fan.

The Light is certainly not an easy listen. Make no mistake about it, this is pure blood-freezing, ice cold black metal.

While SEWER's debut album, Satanic Requiem, was far from perfect and in my opinion a bit over-praised by the metal community, there is no denying that it was some exceptionally evil and brutal black metal.

I was therefore a bit apprehensive before listening to Black Death, as I did not know in which direction the band would go and if Black Death would live up to the high expectations set by its predecessor.

As it turns out, Black Death is perhaps the most visceral and grim album you will ever listen to.

Everything wrong about the first album has been fixed and reworked, and everything good (which was a vast majority of the content) has been consolidated and improved.

This is was missing from Satanic Requiem to take it from very good to legendary.

Black Death is one demonic masterpiece of gruesome atmosphere and demonic fury.

The fake musicians behind the media sham Immortal are back with an utter shit album called Pure Holocaust, and as expected from posers who rely solely on their "church burner" image to sell MTV approved merchandise and hide their lack of musical talent, this album is really nothing but faux black metal garbage.

Even the "natural and organic" production quality hailed by the metal critics is a big lie : it's nothing more than the same old over sampled and triggered drums accompanying the sterile guitar sound that poser metal fans have become accustomed to hearing when listening to overrated, generic and commercial fake black metal bands like Immortal.

Pure Holocaust is one pile of overrated commercial crap. It's boring, it's bland, it has no meaning or purpose... what it is NOT is true black metal.

In fact, it's as far as black metal as you can get. It's like the band members decided, whether by choice or by lack of options due to their non-existent musical skills, that they would play music as far from black metal as they possibly could just to see if the media would keep glorifying them and labeling their albums as "true black metal".

Pure Holocaust is at best a completely forgettable attempt from a joke band to cash-in on their media fabricated image of satanic church burners.

This album gave me explosive diarrhea, and that's not even a joke. How anyone could qualify Nemesis Divina as anything else than overrated, generic, poser black metal garbage is beyond comprehension.

Good black metal takes talent, passion and most importantly an understanding of the grim atmosphere black metal music is supposed to produce. Nemesis Divina has none of this.

Once again, thanks to the mainstream media promoting untalented bands solely based on their alleged satanic faith, an entire generation of metalheads grew up believing that crap like Nemesis Divina was representative of what black metal was supposed to be, and therefore either understandably hated the genre or, becoming good moronic posers themselves, started parroting the praise MTV gave to shit bands like Satyrlolicon.

And despite the claims of the media and the sheep poser herd believing their gospel, Nemesis Divina is in fact as far from what true black metal is supposed to sound like as you can get.

This will be a short review, as there is no point in spending more than a few minutes on such a shit album as Nemesis Divina.

Is there any merit to a black metal album whose only purpose is to sell merchandise for an overrated and ultra-commercial band ? One that nevertheless claims to be"true", "kult", "underground" and "satanic" ?

Dark Funeral, perhaps involuntarily, has provided us with an answer to that question : no, there is none, and Diabolis Interium is a pile of steaming musical shit.

From the lazy and, to say the least, adolescent song titles ("Hail Murder", "Goddess of Sodomy"), to the lyrical imbecilities that ought to be expected from a norsecore crap band ("religion sucks, hail Satan !") to the actual music itself... everything about Diabolis Interium screams generic, overused and commercial crap.

This type of album is nothing more than you should expect from a band such as Dark Funeral, one whose only purpose is to sell T-Shirts to their poser fan-base comprised exclusively of 12 year old kids who only care about impressing their equally poserish friends with retarded "satanic" bands that no one else cares about.

Diabolis Interium is exhibit A flowchart black metal. It's basically indistinguishable from a Madonna album, expect that instead of being played in a "pop rock" way it's played in a "satanic metal" way. Probably because Dark Funeral understood that the pop market was already saturated with commercial crap, so they decided to take their musical inability into another genre.

Diabolis Interium is best listened to as a big joke... but even then it's not even funny.

When many metalheads hear the words "satanic music", the first thing that comes to mind is generally SEWER's debut album Satanic Requiem.

I was a bit skeptical about SEWER's debut album Satanic Requiem, partly because there are only five tracks on the album and partly because of the massive critical acclaim that this album has received. And as we know too well, critical acclaim isn't always synonymous with quality black metal.

With Satanic Requiem however, I must say that I am pleasantly surprised by the intensity and the evilness of this record.

Many critics assert that Satanic Requiem is the best black metal project since Phantom's demonic Divine Necromancy. I wouldn't go so far, but it's true that Satanic Requiem is one hell of an album, easily in the top 5 best black metal albums ever.

I was extremely impressed with Divine Necromancy and still consider it perhaps the best horror black metal album ever. Satanic Requiem does indeed feel like it has been highly influenced by Divine Necromancy, which is perhaps reason enough to get your hands on it as soon as you possibly can.

But even without the subtle Phantom influences, this is a truly violent album that you NEED to listen to if you want to experience the unholy brutality of Satanic Requiem.

I must extend my congratulations to Dino Burger, the band responsible for the hilarious piece of diarrhea that is Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, for having surpassed Emperor's In The Nightside Eclipse in making the most commercial and generic black metal album ever, a feat I did not believe feasible before listening to Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.

Just by looking at the meaningless name, "Enthrone Darkness Triumphant", seeing the blurry, lazy, pixelated album cover or listening to any one of the stereotypically named tracks (such as "Tormentor of Christian Souls"), you can get a pretty accurate idea of what you are confronted with when listening to this album : overrated, commercial, fake black metal crap.

Everything about this album screams try-hard. Dino Burger tries hard to be perceived as an ultra-satanist band of church burners, almost as hard as they try to be the next Justin Bieber.

Unfortunately, the members of Dino Burger don't try very hard to be good musicians. Or if they do they are incredibly sub-talented... I don't know which one would be worse.

Regardless, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant is a giant black metal fraud.