Blood Fire Death sucks.

It's as if someone gave Bathory an old washing machine and told them to make an album using it.

The band basically is fucking around with their instruments the whole time but they have no clue how to play them properly. Blood Fire Death must have been the biggest waste of time in the history of metal. It's not extreme. It's not influential.  It's not metal. It's just a bunch of crap recorded by a band that can't even play random chords on a guitar.

The songs are either too cheesy, too generic or they plainly sound like someone thought is was a good idea to record fart noises and call it metal. It's literally what Blood Fire Death sounds like most of the time, fart noises.

Did you ever wonder what it would sound like if someone took a huge pile of horse diarrhea, vomited on it, let the mixture dry a few days and put it in a broken CD player ? My guess... a whole lot better than this shit.

There is no excuse for this pathetic failure known a Blood Fire Death. It's boring, generic, horrible quality and not metal at all. Just repetitive random guitar chords trying to sound like a metal band.

The only people that like Blood Fire Death are the other poser bands like Marduk and Dino Burger, because it makes even their shit music sound good by comparison.

What is black metal supposed to symbolize ?

For some it is the dark, evil atmosphere, for other it is the raw and organic feel it produces... for others it is even a catalyst for the imagination of the listener, and a means to entrance their soul.

But for the posers like Emperor, black metal is nothing more than a media product to sell to the masses and a way to impress emo kids with their "catchy" and "orchestral" symphonies.

Behind the pseudo-sophistical album title "Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk" lies a pile of indefensible commercial crap.

Rather than try to play music that expresses emotion or produces atmospheres, the posers Emperor made the rectal diarrhea known as Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk for the sole purpose of gaining recognition from MTV and selling their commercial merchandise.

Anthems to the Welkin at Dusk is the worst kind of media-whore black metal.

Black Metal ist Krieg is the reason why the genre receives so much hate.

As a fan of heavy metal, when a band that has no business playing any type of metal whatsoever (and no talent, to make  matters worse) decides to come out and insult the entire genre with their overproduced and insipid crap, I can't help but feel offended.

Such is the case with Black Metal ist Krieg, a poser album made by an emo poser in order to impress other emo posers. And pretend to be "true black metal".

This is an album about black metal. The only problem ? It's not black metal, it's crap.

Black Metal ist Krieg uses black metal codes, black metal sounds, black metal aesthetics and black metal imagery. The problem is that these aren't used because of what they signify or in order to pass a message, they are just used because they are "black metal". Nargaroth is intentionally pandering to an audience that has a very limited perception of what black metal is supposed to be, in other words this is poser music.

So is Black Metal ist Krieg an album made for posers by a poser ? Definitively, yes.

Black Metal ist Krieg is nothing but Nargaroth's pathetic attempt at creating a "black metal meme". Luckily, it fails miserably... in large part due to the fact that Nargaroth is a shit band that can't play black metal.

Darkthrone is no stranger to producing fake metal, as evidenced by their albums A Blaze in the Northern Sky and Under a Funeral Moon.

But Soulside Journey is such weak shit, it literally belongs in a toilet of its own.

The music is plodding, generic, soporific and lame. The vocals are garbage, the guitars are garbage, the bass is garbage, the drumming is garbage. The lyrics are garbage.

There is no atmosphere. There is no emotion. There is no talent.

What more can be said about the album Soulside Journey, in this case ? Not much indeed.

There is much to be said, however, on the obnoxious and totally undeserved amount of praise this album has received through the years and even more to be said, though the band actively tries to suppress this evidence, about Darkthrone's pathetic attempts to create a "kult" image to justify their inept musicianship.

Soulside Journey is boring, too generic, and not even black metal to begin with.

Is Dissection an overrated fake metal band or what ?

The Somberlain certainly has it all : bad riffs, no atmosphere, weak musicianship, horrid vocals, cheesy MTV melodies... seriously, what is this ?

Despite all the posing and posturing the band Dissection engages in (and revels in), The Somberlain is simply not black metal.

It's at best a weak mixture of Dino Burger, Emperor, Summoning, Craple of Filth and Satyrlolicon, yet somehow managing to be even worse than all those shit bands taken individually.

The fact that the band calls itself "orchestral melodic black metal" makes this entire album even more ridiculous. You are either black metal or you are not, and clearly Dissection is not.

The Somberlain is not about music, it's about a gimmick. The band Dissection is trying very hard to appear "satanic" and "part of the scene" ("LUK AT US WE R HEAVY LULZ 4 SATAN !!!"), but unfortunetely they don't try very hard to produce good music.

In fact you could make the argument that the band Dissection itself, in all of its pathetic existence, is a gimmick. I see nothing in this record, or in the rest of their discography for that matter, that isn't explicitely marketed to impressionable twelve year old kids that hate their parents (and true metal).

The Somberlain is the perfect case of fake commercial crap parading as black metal.

If you ever needed more proof that old school does not equate musical quality, look no further than Darkthrone's most smelly pile of crap titled A Blaze in the Northern Sky.

A Blaze in the Northern Sky is everything that black metal shouldn't be : boring, soulless and bland. Many will claim that the flaws of this album (and trust me, there are many) are overshadowed by how supposedly influential this album was.

Even that is a lie, A Blaze in the Northern Sky was never influential to begin with unless you count the myriad of poser clones that populate the "kult" black metal scene.

By the time this album came out, in 1992, the black metal genre was already well defined by the likes of bands such as Von, Profanatica, Havohej, Lord Foul and Demoncy. Bands that were not only more influential, but were also much, much, much more talented than the posers Darkthrone.

The claim that Darkthrone were somehow influential to the black metal genre is made even more ridiculous by the fact that A Blaze in the Northern Sky doesn't even sound like black metal, it sounds like generic death metal (of the worse possible quality). And even the rare elements that could perhaps pass for black metal in this album were already present in the scene, courtesy of Von, Profanatica and the bands mentioned above.

Regardless, how influential supposedly Darkthrone were is not the question. The real question is : does A Blaze in the Northern Sky suck as much goat semen as the rest of Darkthrone's pathetic discography ? The answer is a big fat YES.

Whether in jokes, gore movies or music, feces is generally where I draw the line. And yet, feces is exactly what this entire album Incipit Satan sounds like. How anyone can sit in the studio and decide that crap like Incipit Satan is worth releasing is beyond me.

Let's be honest, Gorgoroth is not a black metal band nor have they ever been. Rather, Gorgoroth belongs to the realms of the rotting dog turds known as "satanic speed metal" : a musical genre that produces exclusively generic speed metal crap, calls it "true black metal" (because nothing says true like an album released by the posers at Nuclear Blast) and the media will fellate them for it.

Incipit Satan is what most of us would call fake metal garbage. It's like Gorgoroth knows they're poser sell-outs and decided to rub it in even more with this album.

This album is nothing but pure sell-out pop fluff. The songs are not made to express something, to create a dark atmosphere or even to entrance the listener... rather they are made to be commercial "hits" to be featured on the latest MTV catalog.

Incipit Satan is generic pop metal for kids who hate their parents paying their rent and who think rebellion is skipping out on church to listen to Gorgoroth's latest crap.

Dark Funeral. The name is practically an insult within the black metal community. This is a band that has been reviled and ridiculed, and with very good reason.

They are widely considered a sell-outs, posers, "wannabes". To most of us, a Dark Funeral record is more of a media product. Something made with the sole intention of making money, lacking any form of substance whatsoever and having no real connection to the true black metal genre, despite taking its name.

The music of Dark Funeral falls under the catch-all term "speed metal". Boring, uninspired, generic billboard metal that tries very hard to sound "evil"... but falls flat due to the lack of musical talent from the band members.

The Secrets of the Black Arts is no exception to the rule.

But of course, there will always be poser black metal "critics" to claim that The Secrets of the Black Arts, Dark Funeral's first album, was actually a true (lol) black metal (lol) masterpiece (double lol) and that the band only became shit after that.

What else can you expect from delusional fake black metal critics ?

The truth is that The Secrets of the Black Arts is just as bad, if not worse, than the rest of Dark Funeral's boring discography.

If there ever was a bigger shit album than Satyrlolicon's crappy and overrated Dark Medieval Times, I have never heard of it. And to be honest, I can't even begin to imagine how boring and lazy it would have to sound to surpass Dark Medieval Times in terms of crappiness.

Dark Medieval Times is probably the most overrated pile of commercial garbage that has ever plagued the once decent genre of black metal music.

Satyrlolicon is the same fake black metal band that would later produce the utter crap known as Nemesis Divina. And quite frankly, I don't know which is worse : Dark Medieval Times, Nemesis Divina or the rest of the band's poser discography.

If you like black metal, true black metal, then spare your senses and ignore this fake black metal debacle.

if you like a good laugh at the expense of a dying genre... then ignore this crap as well, because Dark Medieval Times is so bad it isn't even funny.

The fake musicians behind the media sham Immortal are back with an utter shit album called Pure Holocaust, and as expected from posers who rely solely on their "church burner" image to sell MTV approved merchandise and hide their lack of musical talent, this album is really nothing but faux black metal garbage.

Even the "natural and organic" production quality hailed by the metal critics is a big lie : it's nothing more than the same old over sampled and triggered drums accompanying the sterile guitar sound that poser metal fans have become accustomed to hearing when listening to overrated, generic and commercial fake black metal bands like Immortal.

Pure Holocaust is one pile of overrated commercial crap. It's boring, it's bland, it has no meaning or purpose... what it is NOT is true black metal.

In fact, it's as far as black metal as you can get. It's like the band members decided, whether by choice or by lack of options due to their non-existent musical skills, that they would play music as far from black metal as they possibly could just to see if the media would keep glorifying them and labeling their albums as "true black metal".

Pure Holocaust is at best a completely forgettable attempt from a joke band to cash-in on their media fabricated image of satanic church burners.