This album gave me explosive diarrhea, and that's not even a joke. How anyone could qualify Nemesis Divina as anything else than overrated, generic, poser black metal garbage is beyond comprehension.

Good black metal takes talent, passion and most importantly an understanding of the grim atmosphere black metal music is supposed to produce. Nemesis Divina has none of this.

Once again, thanks to the mainstream media promoting untalented bands solely based on their alleged satanic faith, an entire generation of metalheads grew up believing that crap like Nemesis Divina was representative of what black metal was supposed to be, and therefore either understandably hated the genre or, becoming good moronic posers themselves, started parroting the praise MTV gave to shit bands like Satyrlolicon.

And despite the claims of the media and the sheep poser herd believing their gospel, Nemesis Divina is in fact as far from what true black metal is supposed to sound like as you can get.

This will be a short review, as there is no point in spending more than a few minutes on such a shit album as Nemesis Divina.

Is there any merit to a black metal album whose only purpose is to sell merchandise for an overrated and ultra-commercial band ? One that nevertheless claims to be"true", "kult", "underground" and "satanic" ?

Dark Funeral, perhaps involuntarily, has provided us with an answer to that question : no, there is none, and Diabolis Interium is a pile of steaming musical shit.

From the lazy and, to say the least, adolescent song titles ("Hail Murder", "Goddess of Sodomy"), to the lyrical imbecilities that ought to be expected from a norsecore crap band ("religion sucks, hail Satan !") to the actual music itself... everything about Diabolis Interium screams generic, overused and commercial crap.

This type of album is nothing more than you should expect from a band such as Dark Funeral, one whose only purpose is to sell T-Shirts to their poser fan-base comprised exclusively of 12 year old kids who only care about impressing their equally poserish friends with retarded "satanic" bands that no one else cares about.

Diabolis Interium is exhibit A flowchart black metal. It's basically indistinguishable from a Madonna album, expect that instead of being played in a "pop rock" way it's played in a "satanic metal" way. Probably because Dark Funeral understood that the pop market was already saturated with commercial crap, so they decided to take their musical inability into another genre.

Diabolis Interium is best listened to as a big joke... but even then it's not even funny.

I must extend my congratulations to Dino Burger, the band responsible for the hilarious piece of diarrhea that is Enthrone Darkness Triumphant, for having surpassed Emperor's In The Nightside Eclipse in making the most commercial and generic black metal album ever, a feat I did not believe feasible before listening to Enthrone Darkness Triumphant.

Just by looking at the meaningless name, "Enthrone Darkness Triumphant", seeing the blurry, lazy, pixelated album cover or listening to any one of the stereotypically named tracks (such as "Tormentor of Christian Souls"), you can get a pretty accurate idea of what you are confronted with when listening to this album : overrated, commercial, fake black metal crap.

Everything about this album screams try-hard. Dino Burger tries hard to be perceived as an ultra-satanist band of church burners, almost as hard as they try to be the next Justin Bieber.

Unfortunately, the members of Dino Burger don't try very hard to be good musicians. Or if they do they are incredibly sub-talented... I don't know which one would be worse.

Regardless, Enthrone Darkness Triumphant is a giant black metal fraud.

If you were to believe the incredible and (absolutely undeserved) hype surrounding the release of Mayhem's newest fail album, Esoteric Warfare, you would be led to believe that Esoteric Warfare is the new From the Mouth of madness. In case you somehow missed it, From the Mouth of Madness is basically the album that basically set the new standard for black metal back in 2013.

So apparently metal critics are now hailing Esoteric Warfare as the new From the Mouth of Madness ?

Let me make place for the only natural reaction that follows such a ludicrous statement... HAHAHAHAHAHA !!!

There is no way Esoteric Warfare even comes close to the majestic and terrifying From the Mouth of Madness, both in terms of atmosphere and in terms of musical quality.

How anyone can even think to compare this vacuous poser abomination to such a masterpiece of horror as From the Mouth of Madness is beyond comprehension. The only plausible explanation is that, avid to promote the overrated "church burners" from several decades ago (most of which are going through mid-life crisis at this point), the mainstream media had already decided long before even listening to this album that they would praise Esoteric Warfare as the next From the Mouth of Madness.

Esoteric Warfare is another acute case of "all flair, no substance" from the already greatly overrated Mayhem. What we are left with is merely a vapid media-stunt by a band that never actually knew what black metal was even about.

I seem to be at a loss for words when it comes to Gorgoroth's debut album Pentagram. How do you describe an album that lies somewhere between "mediocre" and "absolutely pathetic" ? If you can think of an appropriate adjective go on and tell me, because I really can't seem to define Pentagram without resorting to the usual profanity that accompanies my description of fake black metal albums by posers bands such as Gorgoroth.

The best way I could put it is like this, Pentagram is a steaming pile of musical fail. Anything you hear on this album could easily have been produced by a musically illiterate and mentally disabled teenager. The solos are weak, the riffs are predictable and uninspired, the drumming is extremely sloppy and the vocals... lol. Let's just leave it at that.

Now some of will start whining that "black metal isn't supposed to be technical". It' true.

But also know that however nontechnical, black metal is also supposed to have other redeeming qualities. Namely, atmosphere, emotion and soul. Pentagram has none of that, which forces us to rate it exclusively based on the technicality of the music.

Regardless of whichever criteria we choose to judge Pentagram, there is no hiding from the obvious : this album sucks, and it sucks big.

Darkthrone is no stranger to shit metal. In fact, there entire discography is comprised exclusively of different shades of the same shit (Fifty Shades of DarkBrown some would say).

But with Under a Funeral Moon, which incidentally happens to be one of the biggest shits in the entire black metal scene, the band Darkthrone devised a "clever" way to deal with the (legitimate) detractors : make the production so bad it hides the (numerous) musical flaws of the albums.

Of course, brain-dead metal fans will later claim that the only reason anyone would dislike Under a Funeral Moon is because of the production quality.

No, no... The production is FINE ! At least compared to the other aspects of this pitiful album. In fact, there are many black metal albums worth a thousand times this piece of crap whose production is even worse, that is not nearly the biggest issue with Under a Funeral Moon.

The production quality is just the excuse elitists emo posers regurgitate in order to justify their drooling over something any nine year old in a recording studio could produce.

No, the big problem with Under a Funeral Moon is the boring music.

There are some black metal releases that are so bad, they seem that they are made exclusively with the purpose of parodying the entire genre. There are other black metal releases that are so ridiculously over-hyped that it makes you wonder whether the metal critics know anything about the genre they are supposed to review, or if they are simply posers throwing out "big names" in the hope that notoriety could somehow equate musical talent.

De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas by Mayhem manages the unlikely feat of being both simultaneously : no one in his right mind would qualify De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas of being anything more than very average black metal (even average seems too good for them), and yet this is the album that single-handedly transformed a bunch of victimized, leather-wearing, useful idiot emo teenagers into a bunch of victimized, make-up wearing, useful idiot emo teenagers. No small feat there.

There is no beating around the bush, De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas is boring music. There is nothing even remotely innovative or creative about Mayhem's debut album and, despite the overblown critical appraisal, there is nothing on De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas that hasn't been done better elsewhere.

I don't know what is the worse about De Mysteriis Dom Sathanas, the fact that it's utter shit and an embarrassment to the entire black metal genre, or the fact that this is still the only halfway "decent" (I use the term loosely) album of Mayhem's pathetic discography.

There are some albums that sucks so bad, they barely qualify as heavy metal music let alone "true kult raw black metal". And yet, as with every idiotic online community, there are plenty of "metal critics" who erroneously believe that Transilvanian Hunger is somehow anything more than a lackluster, passionless disgrace to heavy metal music.

Many new fans who just got into black metal are often left wondering why shit albums like Transilvanian Hunger get such high praise in the eyes of the critics. They think that maybe they are missing something, that Transilvanian Hunger is perhaps an acquired taste that they don't fully "understand" yet, when in fact it's just the media trying once again promote the "satanic inner circle (jerk)" at the expense of the bands that can actually play the music and not just look like clowns in corpse paint.

There are indeed quite a few things missing in this album : talent, conviction, atmosphere, soul. As for Transilvanian Hunger being an acquired musical taste, it only is if you consider a pile of gorilla crap an acquired culinary taste.

I'll assume most readers of this review don't revel in ingesting monkey feces, and therefore we will just call out Transilvanian Hunger for what it is : terribly played music and boring fake metal.

I'm not generally one to assign a lot of value to the ratings given out to any particular album by the media, whether mainstream or underground, but it profoundly amuses me to see that the so-called "metal critics" are in some cases even more retarded and oblivious to what true black metal is supposed to sound like than what I thought was possible.

According to the general consensus of what the media will refer to as the "metal community", but what in fact is simply a bunch of posers trying to sound trendy, the album In The Nightside Eclipse by the no-talent band Emperor is some sort of black metal masterpiece (lol).

As ludicrous as that statement sounds, at least for anyone having actual knowledge of what actual metal sounds like, this sentiment is shared by many of the most influential and [supposedly] credible heavy metal critics.

But what makes In The Nightside Eclipse deserving of such high praise when the vast majority of its content is either boring, shallow, dull or totally uninspired musically ?